i-made-a-bg3-blog

In honor of the updated release date, it is once again time to make a shitpost no one would ever care about.

Ranking BG3 companions from worst to best cooks:

5. Astarion

You know this motherfucker has never cooked a day in his life, even before he was a vampire. In fact, I have a hard time imagining him eating at all. He's that guy who is perpetually late, always hungover (but like in a chic way), and his diet consists of red wine, cigarettes, and cocaine. Also, he always has an iced coffee, even when there is no conceivable way he could have gotten one. No, I have not thought a lot about this, what are you talking about?


4. Lae'zel

Lae'zel seems like she's a 'food is food' kind of person. Her cooking is edible, but that's about it. She refuses to cater to weak, lesser races by adding any kind of seasoning.


3. Shadowheart

The thing is, has Shadowheart actually cooked for the group? Cause I can imagine Tav asking her, and her questioning why they're asking her specifically, and then Tav worries that they've said something offensive. Mostly she just doesn't want to, and this is a very effective method for avoiding it.


2. Wyll

Wyll is a good cook, but he has a tendency to get a little too creative. Everyone dreads when he starts talking about a new recipe idea he's had because it'll end up being something like watermelon-braised boar meat stuffed into a pumpkin.


1. Gale

Does Gale like cooking? Probably not. However, Gale refuses to be bad at anything. Also, he's one of those super annoying people who act faux-humble about something they are obviously really good at. He'd be like, 'oh no, it's nothing special' after making a souffle in the middle of goddamned woods, but you know he knows. God he's so annoying. I love him.

sanzosin

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These fukers will break my heart...I JUST KNOW IT!!!


i have over 222 hours on this game from act 1 and in each play through i have discovered something new and probably haven't discovered half of what i could. i have been with this game since its early release on steam 3 years ago. ...come..join the adventure!!! it starts august 3rd!

raysoffrost

Rating the Baldur's Gate 3 EA character designs

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Lae'zel: The A in alien stands for alluring. Eyes like crystal-clear amber. Wicked cool scars. Wicked cool war paint. Not pictured: Pointy teeth, as if she didn't have enough appeal. 10/10

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Shadowheart: So mysterious and yet inviting at the same time. Top tier emo girl bangs. Wicked cool scar. Pretty and very kissable lips. Smudged eye-shadow from that early 2000's aesthetic. 10/10

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Astarion: Perfect anime villain white hair and red eyes. Permanent sad boy bruises under said eyes. Extra pointy ears even for an elf. Not pictured: Pointy teeth, as if he didn't have enough appeal. 10/10

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Gale: Originally Just Some Guy before he got a major makeover, now he's Just Some Guy but with a nice beard, pretty greying hair, sad boy bruises under his eyes, and a magic mark on his chest/neck. 10/10

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Wyll: Could literally be a supermodel. Perfect eyebrows and facial hair. Wicked cool scars and wicked cool prosthetic eye. Pretty and very kissable lips. Not pictured: the cutest smile in the game. 10/10

pseudomantis

PSA

If you ever see one of these things:

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DO NOT STEP ON IT. DO NOT TOUCH IT. JUST WALK AWAY

If you touch it, a metal gate will swing towards you and if it hits you, you will take damage.

dentiuschestus

tch, get a load of this................ another snowflake, making some tumblr PSA about something that’s NEVER actually hurt anyo-

what was that noise????

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